New goals

So my trainer and I have come up with new goals.

Pretty exciting if you ask me :)

I have posted them on my closet door to help me visualize each day getting beter and stronger.

I admit that I have slacked :(

I haven't lost as much weight, haven't been watching what I eat and frankly haven't cared too much.
Depression is getting the best of me.  STRESS is getting the best of me.
I have fallen out of routine.  I have let the negativity of others permeate my brain.

I don't feel happy or whole right now.  I feel as though something is missing in my life.  I don't know what it is. I just don't feel complete.  I am ready to move on from this funk and get back to working out, eating healthy and enjoying life.

It will get better, I just need time.

I have to keep telling myself...

Hey New Kids on the Block

Hey there my sexy boy band from my childhood!

My obsession for you when I was younger has grown.  I saw you when I first moved to KC!  It was probably the best concert EVER!

Well, you are back and your new song gives fat asses like me hope in life!

Thank you for helping me not feel like I'm doomed to be ugly and fat for the rest of my life :)

Sincerely,
One love sick fat fan that is trying to better herself




Okay, sorry for that but it needed to be said. Their new song is fun, easy to dance around the house to and the lyrics speak to me.

Remix (I like the) by New Kids on the Block

I also LOVE this video because Donnie dances with a fat chick.  Gives me hope, you know!

Some of the lyrics for you :)

She was that girl in the corner
Thick-rimmed glasses
Everybody laughed
Every time she passed us
Ever the outcast
Had no flava
But who got the last laugh

Always came last
No one ever kissed her
Missing for days
But nobody missed her
She went from wallpaper
To heartbreaker
You shoulda seen her

Now her body’s so crazy
Got mad attention
Everybody wants her
I forgot to mention
My baby’s so intelligent
Down with it
Independent
Got it all

See no one ever knew
She was a transformer
Went straight from a 2
To an I just wanna own ya

I like the new you
Forget about the old school
I love the sexy thing you turned into
So gimme the v2
Some of that love fuel
I like the beat that your body moves to

I really have a renewed sense of love for NKOTB after this song and then the admission that Jonathan has an anxiety disorder.  Between my weight, being a wallflower, being awkward, and have anxiety and depression; this band is my new celeb. hero!

Society makes me sad...

As I'm hanging out on the couch this morning drinking my coffee and watching the news (I'm turning into my grandparents! ACK!) I'm scrolling through Facebook (nothing new to be honest).

I like babble.com a long time ago on Facebook.  My cousin had a part in the creation of the website so that is why.  Check it out if you haven't already.  Very interesting stuff on there.

ANYWAY... (easily distracted human here)
They had posted posted an article that caught my eye. It is about a woman that photographs herself out in public.  She was not trying to "catch" people staring at her but that is what happened.

I have always felt that people are staring at me.  I have been awkward in public.  It hasn't been until recently that I have started liking my body again.  It has been transforming and changing.  It's not perfect, it's not where I want it to be but the changes are happening.

Looking through the pictures that the woman posted, I'm disgusted by people!  Society is awful!  If you don't look like something out of a magazine, people stare, giggle, make fun, and are just plain mean.

Grow up!

http://www.babble.com/mom/brave-photographer-has-lens-turned-on-her-as-strangers-gawk-at-her-weight-photos/?cmp=SMC|bbl|soc|FB|Main|InHouse|041213|Photo||famE|Social||&utm_campaign=babbleeditors&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=referral#wait-watchers

Society makes me sad!

Food, Fun, Sun, and Regret Part 1

Spring break is over :(

I am sad that it is over yet I'm ready for a routine again.

The title may be a little confusing so I'll explain.

Food... god the food!  Lots of buffets, lots of food, lots of choices.  I ate WAY more than I should have.  I didn't count a single calorie.  

Fun... I had so much fun!  

I got to hold a baby alligator :)

An alligator is so soft, yet had hard scales.  It was weird but so cool at the same time!

"Almost" getting eaten!

So we "almost" got eaten.  Okay, not really BUT we could have.  There was nothing between this alligator and us.  So freakin' cool!

So here we are!  Sitting in the sun, on the cruise ship waiting for the boat to leave for the Bahamas.  

That night was awful!  The sea was a cruel mistress that night and threw us around like pinballs.  It was awful but funny.  After having been accused of being drunk (although we hadn't had a single drink yet) we decided what the hell!  

This was drink #2 for the night.  It's kind of funny, Lynn took pictures of me and I took pictures of her.  I have very few pics of myself.

The next morning, we arrived in Freeport, Bahamas!  It's beautiful and amazing!  We had so much fun and spent the first day on the island drinking and eating. 

Drinking had begun and Lynn found herself an islander :)

That night we went to a Bonfire on the beach, it was very cool!

Day 2 started off with a beautiful sunrise...

Continued to...

Moved on to...

Then some more...

We ended the night with...

It was sad to see the Bahamas adventure end. Before we left though, we walked around this little shopping area.

This pretty little fountain was our last touristy thing to do.

That night we got on the ship and watched the KU/North Carolina game (first half anyway) and enjoyed a show on the ship.

Sun... We were both sunburned, poor Lynn's legs were worse than mine :(  I'm peeling but have an awesome tan now :)

I'll update more later and describe the regret.  It's not nearly as bad as you think (think food and exercise).

Bon Voyage!

In just a few short hours I'll be on a plane flying to Ft. Lauderdale to meet up with one of my best friends for a vacation like I've never done before!  I'm super excited to do this and can't wait to share many stories and pictures with everyone!

Association

Thursday the dreaded stomach flu found me.

I finally woke up hungry today.  I haven't been hungry since Wednesday night although I forced myself to eat.

Thursday morning, I thought a diet Dr. Pepper sounded good.  I got one.  Unfortunately, even though I only got a small one, I couldn't finish it.

In my brain, diet Dr. Pepper is now associated with puking my guts out.    That used to be my soda of choice when I would drink one (Diet A&W Root Beer is my other).

The last time this happened to me, I was student teaching in the Fall of 2006.  I associated Ramen Noodles with puking my guts out.  It took me years before I could eat them again.

I know that food associations happens. I have other really positive ones.

What food associations do you have?

On a different note...

ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK KU!!

It's a Sunflower Showdown for the Big 12 Title!  RCJH! KU!

Dear....

Dear Gym Bitch,

I truly enjoyed watching your face as I was trying to battle through my workout today with my trainer.  I noticed that you were very interested in everything that I was doing today. You may be very skinny, wearing Under Armor, and was running on the treadmill earlier.  I noticed that you changed the weights on the machine to less then what I was doing (haha, I'm better than you).

I noticed the look on your face as you looked at me.  Were you thinking about my fat rolls?  Were you thinking about how disgusting a fat person looks?  Judging me and others does not get you anywhere in life.  Watching you watch me just made me want to work even harder.

Please re-evaluate your views on people...

Yours truly,
The Fat Girl in the Corner

The Fat Girl's Adventures in Teaching!

1st grader singing Ice, Ice, Baby!

That is all!

Days like today...

On days like today, I'm so grateful that I work with 5/6/7 yr olds.  First thing this morning one little guy comes up to me, gives me the biggest hug and says, "Ms. Brosemer, you look like a party!"  (1st grader)

I can only hope he means I look like I could go to a party!  LOL!

Later in the day, right after lunch one girl looks at me and says, "You look like a ladybug but black and white."  (kindergartener) LOL!  I had on a black shirt with white polka dots.  I never thought of it that way, but thank you little lady!

As I was leaving my last class today, I had two different girls give me a hug (kindergarteners).  One said, "you look really bootiful!" (translation: beautiful) and the other said, "you are so pretty!"

I love my job!

Self-doubt, sabotage, forgiveness

You are your own worst enemy!

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.
 Lies!  All lies!  Sticks and stones may break my bones... True!  But words will never hurt me... FALSE!!!!!!!!!!!

Words often hurt worse then the sticks and stones.  I still hear the mean things people have said to me.  I repeat these self-deprecating words often.

That is why I am my own worst enemy.  I have to stop the negative self-talk.  This doubt and sabotage does me no good.  My mind is always working overtime.

How do you turn off this self-talk?

If you know, by all means, please share!  Here is what my mind sounds like right now:

Going to a tropical island... you are an idiot!  How can you go?  You are fat!!  Why would anyone want to look at you?  You have to wear a swim suit, dumbest decision you have ever made!  You are just wasting your money!  You won't have a good time, you will be too worried about what you are eating, what you look like, and how many people are making fun of you!

YIKES!

See... awful self-talk, self-doubt or whatever you want to call it.

I have to learn to forgive myself, that is not the easiest to do.  I have to change the way I talk to myself. This is not the easiest to do.  You would think that after a year of changing my thinking and changing my body that I would have started on this path.  Not so much :(

Don't let this sabotage you like it is sabotaging me.