Day with mom

There are constants in my life.

#1 I love my family!  No matter what they do or what I've done, we love each other.  I spent today with my mom and her good friend Jena.  We shopped, laughed, ate and had a really good time.  They had free tickets tonight to the PBR so that is where they are.

We ate lunch at My Big Fat Greek Restaurant.  I introduced my mom to hummus.  She wanted to take some home!  It was a hit!  We shopped at Party City, Michael's, Costco and Bed, Bath & Beyond.  We laughed and told stories while shopping.

For dinner we went to Bar Louie at Power & Light.  I was awesome!  I have leftovers for lunch tomorrow!  When I left mom and Jena they were going to stand in line at Sprint Center for the PBR.

#2 I love my friends!  No matter what they do or what I've done, we love each other.  Yeah, it's a repeat of #1. I just love them!  I don't know what I wouldn't do without them

#3 The air I breathe... Do I need to explain it?

#4 The need to make myself healthy.  I just have this desire to get and be healthy.  Because of this I am pushing myself every day to do what I can.  Sometimes all I have to do is talk to myself and convince myself I can do it.  Other times I just know I can do it.  Today I just knew I could do it.

I'm sure there are others but today I just can't think of them right now.

On a happy note... Rock Chalk!

Until tomorrow...

Thought of the day:

March 30th

I have a Negative Nelly in my life.  She doesn't understand "no".  "I'll give you the phone number to the doctor that did my sister's gastric bypass"  "Um, no thank you"  "Oh come on, you will look great after you do this"  "I think I'll just stick with what I'm doing."  "Oh, come on, you will look better."

Gee thanks lady!  I guess I look like crap now!  This lady has no filter, she's telling me that I'm going to be doing things.  It's not a suggestion or even just conversation. 

The person completely irritates and exhausts me. Unfortunately I can't just stop being around her.  I wish I could but it's just not possible. 

These Negative Nelly's just send me over the edge.  This person didn't help my mood this week. 

Now that the work week is over, I am going to do what I need to do to have a better week next week. 

My mom and her friend are coming up tomorrow.  I'm very excited and will not let this week hinder my time with my mom. 

Lots of walking, shopping and stories, and laughs tomorrow. 

Until tomorrow...

Thought of the day:
Only you can make your dreams come true.

Honestly

Readers, I have a confession to make...

This has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week.

Through the years I have learned to slap on a smile and pretend the world is perfect.  I can play that game like an actress.  Did I have you fooled?  Most likely.

On Sunday, I felt gross.  I was feeling fat, dumpy, and didn't even want to look in the mirror to put my hair up.  I don't know where it came from, sometimes it happens like that.

Monday was exhausting.  As I was looking in the mirror getting ready for work, all I could see were my fat rolls.  I just kept thinking to myself about how I let myself get this way.

Tuesday was exhausting but it felt good to get my exercise in.  I was able to get rid of some of the energy from the stress of the week.

Wednesday just made me sad.  I spent most of the day on the verge of tears.

Today... well, today was a day spent in my head.  Although I was doing testing, I don't feel like I was really paying attention.  I was too busy beating myself up.  This week was not a good food week for me.  I've eaten things that I shouldn't have.  It tasted damn good too!  I was mentally kicking myself in the ass and bullying myself for not sticking with my plan.  I know there will be slip ups but damn, this week was full of them.

After work, I just cried.  I haven't cried like that in a long time but I'm just not feeling very positive right now.  I haven't felt desired, beautiful, wanted in a long time.  I don't see someone beautiful when I look in the mirror, I see a fat cow that has no self control.

I look at myself and all I see is someone that lost control, control of food, control of feelings, control of motivation, control of herself.  I feel out of control right now.  Not like I could fly off the handle but that I have no control over things around me.  I hate feeling that way.  The sense of overwhelming and disgust overflow within me.

I don't feel like I can shake this.  It's been with me all week.  All I want to do is lay in bed and feel sorry for myself tomorrow.  Crying is the only release I have right now.

I tried medicating myself with food.  Now I remember... I would eat and eat until I couldn't eat anymore.  Then I would feel sick to my stomach and feel like throwing up.  I would feel bloated and disgusting.  Then I would be depressed for doing that to myself.  That's what I did and how I feel tonight.

I see people are losing 2 pounds a week, half a pound a day, whatever, I haven't moved on the scale in weeks.  I think that is where part of this comes in.

I know that I am becoming healthier, I am gaining muscle and losing fat but I also know that I don't want to be 279 pounds the rest of my life.  That is why I'm changing my eating habits.  Am I doing something wrong?  (other than binge eating this week)  Do I need to get on those stupid shakes that made me miserable?  Do I need to start eating prepared meals?  I just don't understand!

I've got Sarah McLachlan playing right now so that is helping the mood.  I forgot how she can bring me out of a funk.  I wish I could go see her this summer but she's not coming near KC. *sad face*

I will get back on track tomorrow and really work towards the end goal.  Sarah is helping my mood.

Until tomorrow...

Thought of the day:




















*Disclaimer* Please don't tell anyone how they should feel.  I don't want to hear, "you shouldn't feel that way".  You don't know how I should feel about anything.  You wouldn't like it if someone said that to you so please avoid a rant from me and think before you speak.

Here comes the rain again...

I don't think that I could ever live in the Northwest, depressing...

Anywho, I've decided my body is like a game show.  How you may ask?  Well, I will tell you.

Jeopardy
I'll take My Body for $200 Alex...
The Answer: Saggy skin Question: What is happening that is awesome?
The Answer: Gravity Question: What is making the saggy skin
The Answer: Weird boob, bra issues Question: WTF?

Family Feud
Name the top 5 things that are happening to Rebekka's body
5 Sagging Skin
4 Body conturing changes
3 Increased energy
2 Increased strength
And the number 1 thing happening to Rebekka's body is...
She is getting healthier!

Congratulations!  You won!

I'm sure I can compare my body to more but this is the best I can do tonight.

So, I mentioned weird boob/bra issues.  I put on my bra this morning and noticed some weird bulging issues that I have not seen before.  It's a little disturbing but I guess I will have to pull and tuck.

The pants I had on today looked like I had pooped my pants, grown boy parts in the front, and bought pants that are about 3 sizes too big.  I think I need to see if they can be altered.  I love those pants and really don't want to give them up.  Ah well, the price I pay :)

Today was a rest day, tomorrow is treadmill and Friday is Neiman hill obstacle.  I can totally do this!

Until tomorrow...

Thought of the day:

Untitled

94 days!  That's how many days until The Color Run.  I've had a request for the website so here it is :)

http://thecolorrun.com/kansascity/

My arms and back hurt after my workout tonight.  I have upped my weight limit so it is harder for me.  I think it will be sore tomorrow.  The price to pay for a healthy body.

It was a hard workout for me tonight.  I'm just exhausted.  I'm not sleeping well to start off, then testing testing testing.  It is more exhausting then teaching or working out.  My trainer told me I had "tired eyes".  I'm hoping to go to bed early tonight.  I turned on the A/C so I'm hoping that will help with the allergies.  I'm guessing that is why I'm having problems sleeping.

Tonight is a little disorganized, I'm sorry for that.  I have testing brain.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a little better.  

Until tomorrow...

Thought of the day: 

One Hill of a Problem

Did you see what I did there?  Huh?
Well, anyway, bad humor aside, I have a problem.  It's not really a problem as much as an obstacle.  A problem is solved but an obstacle, you conquer those!

So this obstacle... it's a hill.  A pretty steep one.  It doesn't seem so bad in the car. :)

Today was day 2 of the hill.  Friday I tried it for the first time.  I huffed and puffed my way up the hill.  I thought I would collapse at the top and couldn't figure out how I would get home.  I just didn't think I would make it.  But I pushed on, got to the top, and finished my walk.

Tonight I tried it again.  My lungs are getting stronger, I pushed on, only had to stop once.  That was not my fault though.  Getting hit by a car would not have been positive to my journey :)

I got back to the bottom of the hill after going through a really nice neighborhood.  When I got to the bottom, I had only one thing left to do. I had made a goal to jog/run from my apt to the complex entrance. So I started at the sign to the complex and jogged to my apt.  It is a little more than a 1/2 mile.  I jogged/ran non-stop to my apt.  I just wanted to cry from pride!

I know I will be running the 5k.  I can feel it.

But for now, with my body screaming at me, I am going to go to bed with my heating pad.  Strength trainer with the trainer tomorrow :)

Get outside and enjoy the weather!

Thought of the day:

March 25th

I woke up this morning and thought, "today will be awesome!" and you know, it was!  I went to the store and then didn't leave the house in the car the rest of the day.  I did walk but it wasn't my power walking, it was more of a stroll.

I think this is going to be a very long week.  Hopefully by the end of it, I will get to see my mom and her friend Jena.  Mom's birthday and my 3 month anniversary are on April 2nd!  I've made it this far, I think I will stick with it permanently.  I will be taking some update pictures.  I hope you can see a difference!

Didn't sleep well last night so it's early to bed tonight!  Have a Marvelous Monday tomorrow!

Thought of the day:

It's a beautiful day!

Although today started off a little chilly, it became beautiful!  It was too nice not to sit outside and work. So here I am, sitting under the awning of Starbucks, trying to ignore the very loudly talking idiots behind me.  I got my article read except for 1 page, and I'm debating on finishing it now or wait until I can get away from the "cackling roosters". The boy with them has no control over the volume of his voice and sounds like a hyena when he laughs. He has said a few things that are blatantly wrong and I really want to turn around and correct him.  I will not, I will be nice...

I know that the coffee drinks from Starbucks are "empty calories" but I did get one.  An Iced Skinny Mocha, grande.  It was only 100 calories and satisfied my craving.  It was a nice treat!

As I said last night, I went for a walk/jog/run after having some serious guilt about my dinner.  It felt good and I have learned an important lesson.  This morning I went to the Y and walked 3.1 miles in 59:28.  It felt amazing.  I've decided, 2 days on, 1 day off for my workout.  Now that the sun goes down later, I can at least get some walking in.

*Side note, hyena boy won't stop saying his dad's friend's name.  Yes, his name is Steven, enough already!  The people next to me left because the kid was annoying them.

So anyway, as I am sitting here, people watching, and doing my work, I can't help but crave something from PepperJax's.  It smells like fat, grease, peppers and meat.  Totally something I MUST have!  I will resist though because it is not what is best for me.  A salad or something would be best so I must tell myself no.

Tomorrow shall be another outdoor day.  Why stay home when you can relax in the beautiful spring weather and people watch all while doing work?

If anyone would like to join me tomorrow afternoon, let me know!

Thought of the day:
Enjoy the weather while you can, you never know when it's going to be nasty!

2nd post of the night :)

Better late then never :)

The craft from a few nights ago.  The one on the left that is.  I have others but they aren't up yet.  I used paint pens on 8 1/2 x 11 scrap book paper.  I traced a sticky note with pencil and then I traced over it with the paint pen.  I glued the paper to patterned scrap book paper that is larger.  I wrote my goals on super sticky notes.  I'm going to make a "Healthy Me Goals Met" so I can see the accomplishment.  These are taped to my closet doors.

I'll post more once I get them put up.  I'm also planning on doing some other things this weekend and I'll post them too.

March 23rd, Thank you

Tonight's post is going to be a little different then some. 

Negative moment of the day:
I felt EXTREMELY guilty after dinner today.  I just couldn't take it and needed a bacon cheeseburger.  I don't know why but I HAD to have it.  After I ate it, I felt disgusting.  It tasted good but it wasn't what my body is used to. 

So how is this negative?  Well, it was that disgusting feeling.  I used to feel that way all the time because I would gorge myself and over eat.  Now I stop when I'm hungry and I don't eat that amount of crap anymore.

Negative comment that made me smile:
So on my walk tonight (since I was feeling guilty and gross) these wonderful teenage boys drove by me.  Actually, at the time I wasn't walking, I was RUNNING/JOGGING!  Anyway... the passenger in the car rolled down the window and with the cigarette in hand yelled, "run fatty run!"  I just yelled back, "I am!" and kept going.  I had to smile because unlike this obnoxious boy, I was doing something.  That just inspired me to keep going!  Thank you obnoxious teenage boy!

AHA!:
I had an AHA moment today.  I couldn't figure out why I was swollen and retaining wait.  My time of the month was last week.  Wednesday my rings and watch were loose and yesterday and today they weren't like they have been lately.  As I was chatting with Heather after school, it dawned on me that the sodium from Wednesday night's dinner (I ate the leftovers for lunch yesterday) was pretty high.  There was sausage in it, cajun seasonings (probably salt in it) and I also ate 2 fresh pretzel sticks.  I've been drinking water like crazy so I'm guessing that is why I'm having issues.

Encouragement!!!!:
So while I was on my walk/run/jog tonight I was huffing and puffing it home and I was running by a lady walking a dog.  I was keeping time with my music, jamming away.  The lady was watching me pretty intently, I thought, "great, another dumbass comment!"  Instead, I got "keep going, you're doing great Rebekka!"  Whoa!  Anonymous lady knows my name!  Holy Buckets!  Is one of my reader's the lady?  If you are, thank you!  You pushed me to finish strong!


I talked to myself the last 50 feet or so.  "Almost there!" "Keep going!"  "You can do it!"  I was talking out loud the whole time.  I probably sounded ridiculous but I needed it for me.  I just really don't care.


Oh another thing... I walked on College Blvd. today and did it with my head held high and wasn't embarrassed that people would see me walking.

I am proud of what I am doing, It feels good!  Head held high doing the healthy things I need to do! 

Thought of the day:
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt