January 9th (Warning: graphic and uncomfortable reading)

Weekly weigh in: -2.2 lbs  Current weight: 285.8

It felt good to see some movement on the scale J

Warning:  What you are about to read may be difficult and is a little graphic. Read at your own risk.  Seriously…

After some events over the weekend, I got to thinking about a past relationship that I really have tried to forget.  Often times in a relationship, people are not who they say they are.  I have been lied to, cheated on, and abused.  What I am going to share today is not the most pleasant thing in the world.  I admit that I have never been an angel and I don’t want to paint the picture that I am perfect.  Sometimes we blame ourselves for the stupidity of others.  I had spent years blaming myself for his actions and it was only in the last 5 years or so, I realize that I am a better person and will always be as long as I stop blaming myself and start blaming him.

He lied to me from the moment we started talking.  He lied about his age (not really in his 20’s at the time we met), he lied about his name (don’t ask), he lied about his marital status (going through a divorce after she found out about me), he cheated on me, and he hurt me (physically, emotionally, and verbally).  Of all of his lies, I have forgiven him.  The one thing I can not forgive is the abuse. 

It started off as control.  Where are you going, who are you with, what did you do, why are you talking to that person… you get the idea.  It got to a point where he was isolating me from my family and friends.  He controlled every aspect of our relationship.  One time I was sitting on the couch at his apartment and he came up, grabbed my breasts and said, “They aren’t big enough, you need a boob job!”  For someone that already hated her body, that was just another stab. 

Another time his friend came over and he looked at me and said, “Go take your clothes off, we are going to have sex!”  I just looked at him very confused and told him his friend was there and we weren’t going to, to which he replied, “We as in the 3 of us you stupid b!#@*!”  Luckily I had the brains to leave that day.  Before I could leave though, he got physical with me for the first time.  I had finger marks around my arm from him grabbing me.  I had a bruise on the back of my leg from him kicking me to knock me down.  He also ripped my clothes.

Yet another time, I was telling him that I was worried about money so he said he would find some people to prostitute me out to.  He was so caring; he would let me keep 60% of what they gave me!  eye roll  Needless to say, that never happened.  The night I told him no I got slapped.   

Towards the end of our relationship, I was sitting on the couch and found his camera.  I was going through it and discovered some pictures of another woman in various poses.  I confronted him about it.  He said, I was asleep and what did it matter.  It was done while I was in the apt. which is upsetting alone but him telling me that it wasn’t the first time really hurt. 

Many times he would want to have intercourse with me and if I told him no, we had it anyway.  It was just easier to give in then to be forced.   Many times I would have bruises on my shoulders from him holding me down or I would have bruises on my legs from him forcing my legs open.

The last day we were together was painful, in more ways than one.  That day started out like any other, harsh words, mean tones, demands. As the day went on though, it got worse.  I was cooking dinner and apparently I let the skillet get too hot so the ground beef was smoking a little.  He was yelling and screaming at me, calling me all kinds of names.  He told me that I didn’t need to eat because I was fat enough for the both of us (he was not thin by any means).  I don’t know what was different about that day but my mom and stepdad came to Topeka and got me.  That was a tough call.  The last time I was hit was that day.  The mental bruises don’t ever go away.

So you are probably wondering how this relates to my weight loss.  For a long time, he told me that I was fat, nobody would want to be with someone that looked like me and I would never find someone that treated me like he did.  Well, one thing is for sure, I haven’t found anyone that treats me the way he did.  Thank God!  Hearing that you are fat, ugly, a whore, stupid, and every other name you can think of really wears at you.  You begin to believe that about yourself.  I ate because I thought, “if nobody wants me, why should I make myself feel good?”  It’s all in your mind really.  When you hear something so many times, it becomes real. It did become real for me and I did gain a lot of weight.  Unfortunately, it took a long time for me to become comfortable in who I was.

Although I will never forgive him for all of the abuse that he did to me, I can say that I have realized it’s about how I am going to live.  I refuse to give him power over me.  I refuse to let him continue to have a part of me.  I will always have those memories and I will always have some hard feelings towards him but I can honestly say that telling these things to my readers has opened up a part of me that has been held closed for so long.  My heart no longer has any positive or negative feelings for him.  I feel nothing.  There will always be an empty void where the hurt was but over time it has gotten smaller and I only hope that I will get to where I don’t notice it.

This is another post where I felt like I needed to get it out.  Holding these kinds of things in can be damaging.

Thought of the day:

Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom.
Hannah Arendt