Title Unknown

There are some things about a person that aren't often public knowledge.

I feel like I have done a good job at being an open book.  I won't say that I have told you everything.  There are just some things that... well see my first sentence.

One thing you need to know about me...

I am a person that lives with anxiety and depression.  I can't tell you when it began.  I can't tell you how long I have been dealing with it.

It sucks!


Lately I have been a weepy, emotional mess.  Before you ask, I'm not pregnant.

I have been under a lot of stress lately which is a huge trigger for me.  A lot of people don't understand   depression and all that comes with it.

Each person handles their depression differently.  Some people work well with Mental Health professionals.  Some people do well on meds.  Each person is different.

Symptoms of depression in women include:

• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
• loss of interest or pleasure in activities, including sex
• restlessness, irritability, or excessive crying
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, pessimism
• sleeping too much or too little, early-morning awakening
• appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
• decreased energy, fatigue, feeling "slowed down"
• thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
• difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
• persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

The symptoms in bold are the ones that I am fighting.

Although I am on medication for anxiety and depression, sometimes they are just not enough. I am going to go to the doctor next Thursday and chat with her about changing my meds.  I feel like my body has adjusted to the meds and they just aren't working like they used to.

To my co-workers and anyone else that has to deal with me.  Please be patient with me!  I'm trying and just really need to get thru the manic mood swings that comes with depression and anxiety.

Please understand that I am not manic depressive but I do have my mood swings.  If someone is manic...

The symptoms of mania include:

• abnormally elevated mood
• irritability
• decreased need for sleep
• grandiose ideas
• greatly increased talking
• racing thoughts
• increased activity, including sexual activity
• markedly increased energy
• poor judgment that can lead to risk-taking behavior
• inappropriate social behavior
  

Being patient is the best thing you can do.

WOW!

It has been a long trying few days...

I have packed up my entire classroom :(

I have moved my office from the first floor to the 3rd floor.  The good news is that I will have a lot of stairs to climb multiple times a day.

This could be good for me... I'm not sure how I feel about sharing an office with 4 other women though.

It's not that I don't like my co-workers, I just think that 5 women in that close quarters a few times a day may get messy.

Between the packing, the moving of boxes and rearranging it has been a long few days.

This is going to be a long week.  Tomorrow is a trip 100 miles to my hometown for a meeting for Grad school.  200 miles round trip.  I'll survive ;-P

I will be pretty sporadic this week while I'm traveling around.  I'm hoping to update more later this week.

Have a wonderful week and remember to get off the couch!

Who's that girl?

Many times I look at myself in the mirror and think, "Who are you?"

I don't recognize myself because I have never given myself a chance.  I'm vulnerable and insecure.  I've never thought I was pretty, I've never wanted to do my hair, put on makeup and wear fun clothes because I wanted to be invisible.

I'm starting to see myself differently.  I'm starting to care about what I have on, I'm starting to wear fun jewelry and I'm starting to see myself as someone that deserves a chance.

Dating has always been scary for me, because I can't let go of my lack of confidence long enough to let someone in.  I feel like I have to warn them about my body, question if they really like chubbier women, and just be obnoxious about it.  Like I have to justify to them that I'm NOT worthy.  If a guy can survive this, then I am worthy of him.  It all goes back to that self-sabotage I was talking about a few months ago.

It's like I'm conditioned to believe that fat isn't happy unless there is food involved.  All of these views have got to change or I will never been truly happy.  I don't want to be a fat girl living in a skinny girl's body.  There is nothing about that that is okay.  I want to be a former fat girl happy in her body, regardless of what she looks like now.

Changing my mindset is what is hard.  I'm used to being invisible and trying to make myself small.  I will make myself less invisible and just be ME!  No one else is more me than well... ME!

On a happier note...

I'm doing another 5k in October.  I'm doing the Color Run again, this time it is in Lawrence.  I'm super excited and feel like I have the confidence to do it.

Time to get training!!!

Friends

Please move in and out of our lives.  It is strange how someone comes into your life for a short or long time and then for no reason that person leaves.

Each time a new person comes into your life, you learn something new about yourself.  You may not realize it until many years later but you do.

Someone has come into my life and WON'T LEAVE! *wink*  Here's our story...

In January 1996 I met Jessica.  At first I thought she was a little weird but we had a connection.  I remember sitting in the back of the seats in the theatre one night hiding and talking about guys we liked (I still remember who we were talking about) and giggling.

We discovered we had very similar situations at home and became instant BFFs.

We had many laughs, many nights driving the "limo", many nights listening to music while cruising 6th and singing loudly, and most of all having fun.

We have had our sad times too.

I missed both of her weddings, one because I didn't like the guy and the other I was too far away and couldn't afford to go.  I regret that!  I missed an important day in her life because I was selfish the first time.

I missed all 3 of her kids' births.  That just makes me so sad.  I wanted to be there.  She just couldn't seem to time it right!  LOL!

I was there for her when she lost her cousins to tragic car accidents many years apart, when her grandmother (my elementary school secretary) passed away, and some other bad times that I don't think is appropriate to put here.

She was there for me when I lost my grandparents, cousin and step-dad.  Although she was not with me, I know her thoughts were with me.

Jess is always there for me.  We can not talk on the phone for months and when we finally do, it's like we just talked yesterday.

We laugh, we cry, we talk, we argue, we agree, we disagree, and most of all we love each other and know that our friendship has lasted longer than some marriages.  16 years is a very long time.

Although you won't leave my life, you obviously have things to still teach me.

I love you Jessica Jean "Gertrude" Scott!  You are the sister that I chose and you can't get rid of me that easy!

Happy Birthday!

Starting Over

Things have been difficult for me lately.

I've decided to start over from the beginning.

I thought maybe I could handle things for awhile without tracking my food but as it turns out, it's a big negorito Ms. Dorito!  See what I did there... yeah, bad...

So anyway, I'm starting to track my food intake again. That is the way I can be successful right now.

It was a lot of work but nobody said getting healthy and losing weight was simple.

So for now...

Back to what was working!

Discovery

So now that school is back in session, I had started drinking pop again at lunch.  I weighed myself the other day and realized I am about 7 pounds heavier.  That scared me!

Part of the problem is that I'm just not eating very smart and not exercising enough.

Getting back into a routine is helping me see that now.  So pop is officially out of my life again.  I need to make healthier better choices again.   I know I will and that it will take time to readjust.

There is a learning curve when it comes to food and exercise.  I pushed the limits, saw results that did not make me happy and now I'm changing it.

I wonder if the unsettling feelings, the depression and the anxiety are a symptom and not a cause.  I have felt better the last few days since stopping the pop consumption and don't feel as anxious and I was.

I truly believe that there was something wrong with me and that my body just can't handle a pop unless it's once in awhile.  I need to know that about me.

Each and every day I am learning something new about my body and about myself.

What have you learned today?

My cat is turning into a dog!  He drinks from the toilet and likes to go outside on a leash.  

Piece of advice

I think I have seen it all at the elementary school level.  Nothing truly surprises me anymore.

This is my 6th year of teaching and to be honest, I haven't really enjoyed any of it.  

Okay, that was a lie... I enjoy working with the kids each and every day.  The parents, um, not so much.  I would say 90% of the parents have a good head on their shoulders and have taught their kids well.  The other 10% spend so much time babying their kids that the dependency issues have my blood boiling.  

Example #1: Parents that spend little to no time with their kids so there is separation anxiety.

Example #2: Parents that do everything for their kids so they have created dependent kids.

Example #3: Parents that do not discipline their kids so have kids that do not have any boundaries.

My advice... spend time with your family, create kids that rely on you yet are independent and don't need you for every little thing, and give your kids boundaries but let them explore and be free. 

Can you tell what kind of day I've had?  I think I got my workout in before 9am.  I'm bordering on a sinus infection so having to chase a child up a flight of stairs was not very good.

Tomorrow will be a better day!  Tomorrow will be a better day!  Tomorrow will be a better day!

On a different note, I've been under calories for the last few days in a considerable way and excited to step on the scale on Friday to see how things have changed.  

Motivation

I need some motivation!!!!  I just don't feel like getting out there and exercising.  I'll go out for a little bit, do some walking but that's about it.  I'm hoping to feel a little better tomorrow so I can get to the gym. 

I think part of my problem is that my trainer has been out of town on some personal business for awhile now.  It's been a month since we have worked out together.  For me, that is the biggest hurdle. 

Now that the weather will be cooling down, I'm really wanting to get out there and take advantage of the weather.  Anyone else up for it? 

Let's motivate each other!!!!

UG!

Haven't posted in a few days.  I honestly haven't felt like it.  Everything just seems so... stupid, ignorant, depressing, insignificant, and frustrating.

Every where I go, people just seem to piss me off.  I have no idea why I am so sensitive to everything around me right now.

My workout today was only 30 minutes but it felt like hours.  I got up this morning at some unreasonable hour for a Sunday and instead of lounging on the couch drinking coffee, I decided to walk.  I looked at my phone after what felt like 30 minutes or more and it was only about 10.  I don't know why it was such a struggle to walk today.

Sorry I'm such a negative nelly right now.  I'll get out of this funk and back to being me.  Promise!

Jewelry

So, after a few hellish days I decided on some retail therapy.  A trip to Gordman's was in order!  I love Gordman's.  There is just something about that place!

For awhile I was into shoes but never bought any from Gordman's.  Then I was into purses.  I have gotten a few from Gordman's.  I have had really good luck with purses. 

All the clothes I have gotten from there have been really good quality. 

Now jewelry... Boy howdy now that is my newest obsession!  I love necklaces!  There isn't anything better than an awesome necklace!  Now tonight I bought 2 necklaces.  I thought it was only one but turns out it was two different ones.  Oops!  That is probably why my bill was a little higher than I thought. 

I also got some bracelets.  Now, I was trying them on but couldn't get my "man-hands" in them.  Then I saw it... "Plus Sized"?!  WTF?!?!?!?!  Clothes and shoes are one thing but bracelets?!

That's great!  Let's make the fat girls feel fatter by telling them that their jewelry needs to be different too.  As much as it irritates me, I bought one.  I had to have something to match my outfit! 

I guess I should be happy that there is jewelry out there that I can wear but I find it slightly offensive to have it labeled plus sized. Just make different sizes and be done with it.  Oh well, I guess it's not my call.

As a side note, my life is going to start to get really busy and crazy.  Posts will probably become more sporadic but I will tell you that I will still post and update.

Happy Hump Day!

bathing a cat

step 1: consult a psychiatrist... you are obviously crazy for thinking you can do it.
step 2: ignore all advise from psychiatrist and lure cat into the bathroom
step 3: verify last will and testament is in a visible place
step 4: pray!
step 5: turn on water while distracting cat with treats
step 6: take one last look at yourself in the mirror, you may never look the same again
step 7: pray!
step 8: grab, shove, dunk, pray!!!!
step 9: curse, soothe, cry, curse!
step 10: rinse!
step 11: release, jump out of the way, open door and pray!
step 12: count limbs, digits and anything else that protrudes from your body
step 13: curse at yourself for thinking this would work
step 14: clean up the blood and cry
step 15: feel like the worst cat parent in the world and take 2 shots of tequila to calm your nerves
step 16: blog about your experience while trying to make fun of yourself and warn others (successful?)
step 17: cry yourself to sleep all the while hoping the cat comes out of hiding

Moral of the story:
Amateurs are not to be trusted, next time pay a groomer
Results not typical, consult a physician before beginning the bathing of the cat

Not my cat but he is a long haired black cat like this one. 

If only...

I'm sure you've played that game with yourself.

If only I was born skinny.
If only I wasn't bullied in school.

You know that game.  It's destructive.  I've been playing it all weekend.  I've been feeling down and lonely and because of it, I'm playing the If only game.

I can't change anything about my past so there is no reason to go over it.

You are your own worst enemy.

I've posted this picture before but it seemed appropriate.

I Survived!

Although the week isn't over, I have survived the first few days of school!

Lots of changes from past years but we seem to be moving in sync and working together as we always have.  So far so good!

I'm glad to be back on a schedule.  Working out is difficult when you don't have a set schedule.  I'm ready to get back into the gym on Tuesdays, Thursdays and the weekends.

I'm a creature of habit and truly need consistency in order to survive.  I guess that is why I work well with elementary school kids.

I'm ready for bed so night to all!

Until tomorrow...

Thought of the day:

long day

it was a long day...

just thought I would check in...

I'll post tomorrow.