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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

January 31st

Quick post...

Through all the stress and drama from the last few days, I know that I have to remain strong for myself.  I can not let these times hinder my progress.  I must push forward with my life change and continue working hard.

I have decided to continue working with the trainer.  I get 3 hours for $99.  That is 6 sessions with him.  If I go every other week for 30 minutes, I think I should be able to continue on this path.  After that, I will look at the specials and see what I can do.  I will be successful and I will make it work.

Thought of the day:
Find one reason to smile...

Monday, January 30, 2012

January 30th

You can pick your nose, you can pick your friends but you can't pick your friends nose...

There is one thing in life that I just don't think I could live without and that is my many friends. 

*Names have been changed to protect the guilty :-P

*Gertrude... what can I say about you?!  I just can't believe it has been over 16 years and we are still going strong!  We have had our ups, our downs and our WTF! moments.  Through it all, you have been one of my biggest cheerleaders and I have been yours.  I love you!

*Bunnygirl... You haven't been called that in a long time!  I remember when we first met.  Neither of us wanted a friend at that moment but we sucked it up and now 12 years later, we are planning a major trip soon! We have also had ups, downs and WTF! moments. 

I know I have left many people out but you all know I can't do it without your support.

Thank you all for the wonderful month!  Here is to another month of health!

Thought of the day:
Friends are the family you get to pick.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

January 29th

 I am coming up on a month of doing this.  Tomorrow with be 4 weeks.  I don't feel like I've been doing my blog this long.

What have I learned in one month?

  1. I have learned that eating out is difficult.
  2. I have learned that eating three good meals a day with a mid morning and mid afternoon snack (some cheese, a piece of fruit, some carrots, hummus, something) keeps me from splurging all day and splurging at meals.
  3. I have learned that I like working out. 
  4. I have learned that I am stronger than I thought I was. 
  5. I have learned that I'm juggling too much and need to figure something out.
That is a lot to learn in one month.   I'm looking forward to all the things to come in the next month.

My goal for the next 4 weeks:
Lose another 5 lbs (10 lbs total)
Continue my controlled eating
Leave the stress outside!

My gift to myself! http://www.cafepress.com/designdivagifts2.544346528

Thought of the day:
Gluttony kills more than the sword.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

January 28th

Had a fabulous time tonight with the ladies and gentlemen at Houlihan's!  I drank a little too much but had so much fun!  I haven't laughed that hard in a long time!  Our server was awesome too which helped!

Thank you so much for making my birthday special!

I know I went over my calories but it's a special occasion and I've been good all week. Tomorrow will be lots of greens and lots of good for me food.

Time to hit the sack, the drinks made me sleepy....

Thought of the day:
Sometimes you just have to have fun, laugh and smile, it's good for the soul.

Friday, January 27, 2012

January 27th

Today's post is a little more thought provoking than some have been in awhile.

As I have said in the past, Dr. Phil is my guilty pleasure.  I was catching up on his shows from the week tonight.  Yesterday's episode sparked this post...

Eating disorders are a serious health problem.  There are three recognized disorders: anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge-eating disorder.  Each of these disorders has it's own symptoms and treatments.

I have done some research on eating disorders tonight.  The statistics are scary...

  • It is estimated that 8 million Americans have an eating disorder – seven million women and one million men
  • One in 200 American women suffers from anorexia
  • Two to three in 100 American women suffers from bulimia
  • Nearly half of all Americans personally know someone with an eating disorder (Note: One in five Americans suffers from mental illnesses.)
  • An estimated 10 – 15% of people with anorexia or bulimia are males

Here are some other links that explain more about eating disorders.  National Institute on Mental Health and National Eating Disorder Association

As I was looking over the symptoms of these different eating disorders, I got to thinking about the people I know. I'm sure I know someone that is suffering from an eating disorder.  Am I the person that someone knows?

I know you can't self diagnose but if you were to look at the symptoms of binge-eating disorder, I think I fit a lot of the symptoms.

Without a doctor looking at me and telling me that I have a disorder, I can't come out and say it.  However, I can say that this is something I feel is a part of me.

Not enough people think that eating disorders are real or they have misconceptions about them.

As human beings, we need to keep our eyes open for those around us.  If you see someone struggling, regardless if it's an eating disorder or if it's something else, please take the time to offer help.  Many times I would have liked someone to say to me, "How can I help?"  Please offer unsolicited advice or try and tell you what you are doing is wrong.  To me, that is wrong!  Offer help, if it is not accepted, know that the person knows you want to help.

Don't give up but don't harass, bug or annoy.  Remember to be there for the person and know that when the person is ready, (s)he will let you know.

Because I am putting my life out there on the line, I know that I will get "unsolicited" advice.  Feel free to throw out all the advice that you want!  Someone will listen and it will change the life of someone.

Thought of the Day:
We acquire the strength we have overcome.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thursday, January 26, 2012

January 26th

Do you hear that?  That knocking sound?  It's Friday!  This has been a long week. The weather has made the kiddos CRAZY!

Yesterday's workout helped me get rid of a lot of stress.  I had been feeling like nothing was going my way.  I worked hard and pushed myself to a new level.

Today's workout felt like an old friend.  When did that happen?!  Looking forward to a workout?!  I'm getting better at this!  I used the stationary bike while reading a book... for pleasure!  GASP!!!!!

After my 30 minutes or so on the bike, I had another workout with Trainer Joe.  That man pushed me!!  The high I felt afterwards was incredible.  Is this what people feel like after every workout?

I have one more session with him for free :(
I have asked him about meeting a few times a month to push me and keep me on track.  He agreed to it.  WooHoo!  I need that.  Not only does this blog help me to stay on track and focused on my health journey, but I have other ways as well.

When my story airs on the news, I will definitely have to push myself.  Having a trainer work with me a few times a month will not only help me from being bored out of my mind with my workouts but will also keep me focused.  Sometimes, that's all you need.

My thought of the day today is from...
Look at the curves on that woman!  Her thighs touch!
I have to say that I do look up to her.  She was a beautiful woman and she showed off her body.  Marilyn had hips.  She had thighs. She had a booty.  But most importantly, she had grace.  I wish she would have lived longer.  I think she would have been amazing!  She could have been a positive role model for girls and women.  Contrary to popular belief, she was actually a size 8 and at her heaviest a size 10.

If I only I could look like her someday....

I'm trying to find myself as a person.  Who am I?  What are my goals and beliefs?  What do I dream about?

This is not just a journey of weight loss and health.  I believe it was time for me to find that person deep inside that I don't know is there.  What is she trying to tell me?  I can hear her whispering to me but I can't make out what she is saying.  I think it's time for a mega phone :)

Thought of the Day:
“I’m trying to find myself as a person, sometimes that’s not easy to do. Millions of people live their entire lives without finding themselves. But it is something I must do. The best way for me to find myself as a person is to prove to myself that I am an actress.”— Marilyn Monroe

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

January 25th

Thought of the Day:
No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.
Barbara de Angelis

Normally I put the thought of the day at the end of my posts.  Today I decided I needed to put it at the beginning.

The reason is because I want it to resonate in you while you read.  

I have created my happiness.  It feels good to know that what I am doing is for me.  No one can change that.  

By living those negative past experiences, you are negative.  Don't get me wrong, sometimes those experiences need to be remembered so you know how to "be" in the future.  

I think it's safe to say that the bullying that I have seen in my past, although it has negatively impacted my life, is now being turned into a positive experience.  I know how I want to be in the future. 

I had let the bullies have control over me.  When you relive those experiences, they still have control.  All these years later and many many years of having not seen these people, they still have an impact. 

I'm changing for me.  I'm making the life changes that make me happy.  I have my own personal power.  

I am powerful!  You are powerful!  

How will you change your life?  What personal power you will take back?  Who has your power?  

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

January 24th Happy Birthday to Me!!!!!!

Thank you everyone for the wonderful birthday wishes!  31 has started out on a wonderful high note!  This is MY year!  I just feel it!

So it was one year ago today that my ex broke up with me.

I have decided that there are some wonderful things that have come out of this.
#1 I made it to graduate school! It is VERY time consuming and I have the support of my friends and family.  Everyone is very understanding of the time it takes away from them.

#2 I have become more outgoing and more ME!

#3 I have more money! I have money to do what I need to do now.  Bills are getting paid on time and in full.  I have been able to buy things that I want.

#4 I have met a wonderful guy that not only supports everything I do but is a wonderful father to his kids. Although we don't see each other very often, I know that he cares deeply for me just as I do him. He's been there for my family and for me during a very difficult time.  I don't think I could ever repay him for that.

#5 I wouldn't have had the opportunity to go to the conference this last week. I learned a lot about a lot of things.  I feel very blessed to have opportunities like this.

#6 I don't think I would have been able to start this weight loss journey. It's easy to eat better when you are cooking for yourself

Overall, this breakup was a good thing!  I have become a better person because of him.

I am back down to the weight I was last week when I left for the conference.  I would like to be down more than I am but I understand I had some setbacks and I need to focus on my health this week.  Tomorrow night I will be spending some more time at the gym and adding to my workout.  Thursday I have time with Trainer Joe!  I'm actually looking forward to it.

I have felt off for the last week.  I know it's because I haven't been working out like I need to.  My whole week was off last week.  It's time to step up the intensity and duration.  My calorie intake is just fine, no problems on that front now that I am home and in more control.

Tonight I was interviewed by one of our local news anchors!!!!  She is amazing and I'm tickled pink. The news team is here!  The interview is going awesome and I feel absolutely wonderful!  In fact as I am typing this they are filming me! :)  Hi Christa and Andy!

So today's food intake worked well for me, I feel like I am back to doing what I need to do.  Tomorrow..... The GYM!

I plan on going the rest of this week to play catch up.  I think it will go pretty well.  I have the trainer Thursday night and then I will be on my own.

What I would really like to do is to see how much it would cost to work with a trainer at the Y once a month or so.  I think that would help me keep on track with my exercise with calories.  The trainer would be very helpful to me.  He would really help me keep on track and I think that it would be a good way to be accountable to myself and to others.  Unfortunately, it can be quite expensive even at the Y so I will definitely have to see.

One final note for today, even though we are going through tough times, there is always a smile to be had or laughter to be heard.  I'm fortunate to work with kindergarten and first graders so they always find ways to make me smile.  They are wonderful kids and I am really lucky to have the chance to work with them.

Thought of the Day:
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.
Alice Walker

Monday, January 23, 2012

January 23rd

This is the start of a very busy week.  Lots of papers, lots of stress...

What is beauty?  Beauty is defined by Merriam-Webster as the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit : loveliness

Some say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  But is it really?

There are many ways to talk about a fat person. 
Lard Ass
Fat Ass
Tuba Luba
Gross weight 
Double wide
Wide load
Chair crusher
Sweat hawg
Crisco Kid
Aisle Blocker

Others say "cute face, chubby waist"(to be nice), there is even a song with that title.
*I like to refer to myself as zaftig, look it up, it's a nice word

Anyway you look at it, it's bullying.  

I had mentioned in a previous post some ways that I was bullied as a child/teen.  Adults can be just a cruel.

I remember a time in college when I went to sit in the desk chair and I got stuck.  The laughter made me feel awful.  I also remember that annoying PE class we had to take.  I dreaded Tuesdays and Thursday because that was PE day.  I hated it.  At least I knew that there were people there that didn't want to be.  

I hate going to an all you can eat place, I feel like if I get up even one time, everyone is looking at me and thinking "she shouldn't eat that" "she's fat enough."  Although probably not true, it is how I feel.  Walking through Wal-Mart one day, a couple of teenagers were in the aisle with me.  To make fun of me, they plastered themselves up against the shelves as I walked by.  Lovely children!

Next time, before you talk about someone in a negative way, remember all the times you were made fun of or your feelings were hurt by something someone said.  

If you can't remember a time like then, then maybe, just maybe, you were the one hurting someone's feelings.  

Thought of the Day:
Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

January 22nd

The more I think about it, the more I just want to scream!  I failed myself this week.  It was no ones fault but mine.  I've been playing the "could have" game with myself and beating myself up.


What good is it to beat myself up?  All that does is make me more frustrated and I feel worse about my decisions last week.  So here is what I'm going to do:

#1 move back to my positive healthy food intake
#2 add a 10 minutes to my work out every day
#3 work harder to make up for my laziness and lack of motivation while I was gone
#4 stop beating myself up
#5 not letting this slip stop me

Easier said than done...
I can say #1 and #2 are probably the easiest to do right now.  Yesterday I had 200 calories left at the end of the day.  I will happily take it!  #3 is going to be a little more difficult but I have the motivation to keep lowering those numbers!  I want those ladybug coffee cups!!!!

So I have a rant that is not weight loss related...

I'm trying to get some work down for my classes and the ESU website is down for maintenance.  It would have been nice for them to let us know.  Jerks!

My goal today is to get some school work done for both classes and lesson plans and then work out.

Lots of great things are happening in the next few days!  Stay tuned!

Thought of the day:
Failure teaches success.
Japanese Saying

Saturday, January 21, 2012

January 21st

This week has been very difficult for me.

First, I was away from home and work for 3 days.  I was in Oklahoma City for a conference for NEA. I had a lot of fun once I got out of the boring stuff. I met a lot of great people and made some great connections.  When you get 600 educators in a room together, things can get quite entertaining!

Second, yesterday was my grandfather's birthday.  I thought about him all day.  I miss the "old goat" every day.  I was quietly asking him to please help keep me safe during my travels.

Third, I have made some mistakes this week.  I really didn't have much control over what was served.  I know that there were some alternatives that I could have taken.  I could have taken my own meals, I could have asked for the vegetarian version.  There were lots of "could haves."  What is boils down to is not taking control.

Lessons learned is this.  You have to be proactive about your health.  No one can do it for you.  Now that I know this, I have some serious work ahead of me.  I have some things that need to be done to get back on track.

I will not let this slip keep me from my ultimate goal.  My ultimate goal is health. 

I worked really hard today at my workouts.  I know that I need to step up my game. 

Thought of the day:
Fun-sized Snickers? Who’s this fun for? Not me. I need six or seven of these babies in a row to start having fun.
Jeff Carlin

January 20th

Conference is over for me!

I learned so much once I got through all the boring stuff. 

Because I didn't have much control over food, it was difficult.  I did put on a pound or so.  I'm not really happy about that. 

My back is hurting a lot because of the sitting and sitting and sitting.

Thought of the day:
There is no love sincerer than the love of food. ~George Bernard Shaw

Thursday, January 19, 2012

January 19th

Quick post....

This conference isn't much fun in the food dept. 

They are feeding us. The salads are all chocked full of sodium and calories, very few of them are lettuce salads.  Not many healthy choices. 

I think I will be paying for this on Monday when I weigh myself.  Yes, I could have brought my own lunch but I didn't.

I know what I need to do.  I will be exercising a little more this upcoming week.

I can't wait to get to -5lbs!!!!  I found the cutest lady bug coffee cups that I want.

I had promised myself that for every 5lbs lost that I could buy something lady bug. 

Thought of the day:
Chemicals, n:  Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.  ~Author Unknown

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

January 18th

Quick post...

Traveled to Oklahoma City today for a conference.

Ate too many calories and sat on my butt too long.

Guest speaker was fabulous!

Tomorrow, take the stairs. 

Thought of the day:
Don't forget  to sparkle!
Stephan Smallwood
Former Oklahoma teacher of the year & the 2012 opening ceremonies guest speaker for the NEA Minority and Women's Leadership Conference

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

January 17th

Another quick post today...

Food and I have made amends.  We have made our apologies to each other and have decided that we can and will get along.  I vowed to stop abusing food and food vowed to not to put weight on me. 

I will be eating to live, not living to eat. 

Food is necessary for survival.  I was surviving for food.

I am an addict.  Food addiction is hard to overcome.  Food is your best friend night or day, good or bad, rain or shine, bored or busy.  You will always have a friend in food.  I know I have friends that are there for me and love me no matter what I look like or who I am. The people in my life are amazing and bring something different to my life.  I don't know what I would do without each and every one of my friends and family.  However, food is a different kind of friend.  It is unexplainable as to the kind of friend food is.  Unless you have an addiction to food or have food issues, you really don't understand this.  I'm sure though that every reader, every person can relate to this.

I think my friendship with food is going through a trial separation.  We have not gotten along in a very long time, so now I think it's time to try something new.  We are not separating completely, we are seeing other people.  We are still together, but food and I aren't living together anymore. 

Yes the analogy isn't the best, but I think this is the best way for me to describe my relationship with food. 

My readers, I would like for you to think about your relationship with food.  How would you describe it?  What kind of relationship would you like to have?  Feel free to comment below, I would love to hear from you.

Thought of the day:
“Desserts are like mistresses. They are bad for you. So if you are having one,
you might as well have two.”
- Chef Alain Ducasse

Monday, January 16, 2012

January 16th

Tonight will be a quick post because I have work to do...

Still having problems with my tooth.  Still taking anti-biotics for it.

Today's workout was awesome!  10-15 minutes on the treadmill and then 30 minutes on the stationary bike.  Then strength training.  I have to admit that I really like working out.  I may whine about it but the "high" I get afterwards makes me happy.

The rest of this week will be challenging.  I'm going to be at a conference for a few days.  I don't know what kind of food we will be getting.  All I know is that I do plan on really being careful.  I'm hoping there is a gym at the hotel so I can at least get some time on the treadmill in. They are charging $12.95 a day for internet service which is highway robbery!  They seem to have a nice workout area.  I will take my things but I can't guarantee that I will have the time.

I ate really well today.  Cereal and a banana with peanut butter for breakfast.  Whole wheat mac n' cheese with a turkey sandwich with whole wheat bread, cheese, spinach, and a measured out tablespoon of mayo for lunch.  Dinner was a chicken breast, brown rice, and a nice salad.  I'm not hungry, I've had my 8 glasses of water today.  My body has gotten used to eating this way so eating so terribly like I did yesterday upsets my stomach.

Big interview coming up soon!  Not too much longer!  I will let you know when it happens!

Funny thought of the day:
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Dave Barry

Sunday, January 15, 2012

January 15th

Happy Anniversary Jessica and Nick!
Happy Birthday Mandalee!

Not that the formalities are out of the way ;-P

Me, Mom and Paul (brother) at my step-dad's celebration of life Oct. 21, 2012

For some reason today was a rough day.  It could be that it was 3 months ago today that I lost my step-dad.  I was having problems focusing today.

My calorie count is way off.  Tomorrow is going to be to a buckle down day.  I have a lot to get done.  I have sub plans for Wednesday through Monday morning to get done, I have school work to get done, I need to put in my 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of strength and I need to pack.

I couldn't even focus long enough to fold my laundry and put it away.  It's folded, but that's about it.  My sub plans are started, no where near finished.  School work, that's a joke, I have nothing even close to being done or started for that matter.

I know from previous experience that there is a hurdle around the 2 week mark.  You get going just fine for about 2-3 weeks.  You have an off day and maybe cheat or over eat.  Once you do that, well, you might as well say "Screw it!" and fall off the food wagon (or on it to get the food).  I refuse to let today stop me from working towards my ultimate goal, health.

One thing I do when I'm stressed out and overwhelmed is either to eat or to not eat.  I really have to be careful.  Food and I have a love/hate relationship. I love to eat and it loves to pack on the pounds but I hate the way it makes me feel.  Unfortunately, there is a cyclical relationship with food.  I eat because I am sad, I'm depressed, I'm stressed, or I'm overwhelmed. Because I have eaten too much, I feel awful about myself.  That makes me want to eat more.  That just makes me even more down on myself.

This cyclical relationship was becoming more dangerous.  I had to make that change.  Seeing the calories from today was a wake up call.  I'm feeling sick to my stomach and completely guilty about today.  I know what I was eating was wrong but I did it anyway.  Now that I know how I will feel when I have these moments of pure weakness, I can begin to control them. 

This lifestyle change is all about making changes.  You can't change if you don't learn from your mistakes.  I am learning and I am changing.  Although the changes may not be noticeable right away, they are inner changes that will soon become outer changes. 

Until tomorrow....

Thought of the day:
Exercise is a dirty word.  Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate. 

Saturday, January 14, 2012

January 14th

Someone asked me how my New Years Resolution was coming along.  I quickly corrected that person and said that while I started it at the beginning of the year, it is not a new years resolution, it is a life style change.  I did some searching today to find out why our resolutions fail.

Here are some articles I found that discuss the reason resolutions fail.

 Why Resolutions Fail By Lauren Torrisi

Psychology Today by Ray B. Williams
  1.  Focus on one resolution, rather several; I have one, how many do you have?
  2. Set realistic, specific goals. Losing weight is not a specific goal. Losing 10 pounds in 90 days would be; My goal is not that specific, I guess I need to look at it again and figure out how to make it a little more specific
  3.  Don't wait till New Year's eve to make resolutions. Make it a year long process, every day; I waiting until New Year's eve but I'm going to be doing this every day all day for the rest of my life
  4. Take small steps. Many people quit because the goal is too big requiring  too big a step all at once; I think I have small steps, work out 3 days a week and count my calories daily
  5.  Have an accountability buddy, someone close to you that you have to report to; You, my beautiful readers, are my accountability buddies!!! 
  6. Celebrate your success between milestones. Don't wait the goal to be finally completed; Every pound is a cause for celebration!  Every 5 pounds lost, I get a ladybug something!
  7. Focus your thinking on new behaviors and thought patterns. You have to create new neural pathways in your brain to change habits; This one is a little difficult but it can be done.  My new thinking is that exercise, although difficult right now will get easier as I get stronger and healthier
  8. Focus on the present. What's the one thing you can do today, right now, towards your goal? What am I eating right now?  When am I going to exercise?  Do I really need this?
  9. Be mindful. Become physically, emotionally and mentally aware of your inner state as each external event happens,moment by moment, rather than living in the past or future. This blog is part of this.  To talk about the past is to stop living in it.  I feel like I am now living moment by moment.  Although I am still talking about the past, I am living life now and making the most of now.

    How can you look at your New Year's resolutions? 
Thought of the day:
Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person's physical, emotional, and mental states.
-Carol Welch

January 13th

Yesterday was a strange day so I didn't get a chance to post.  Today will have a double post.

I had woken up in the middle of night with a sharp pain in my mouth.  I had gotten up and looked in the mirror, I was completely swollen on the left side.  I had called into work so I could make it back to the dentist.  I'm hurting and eating becomes difficult at times.

Because I'm having issues eating, I don't feel like I'm doing all I should be.  When I go to the store today I'm going to see what I can get that will help me.  Soft foods don't always taste good or are the healthiest options.

I was able to work out though.  I have learned some things.
#1 The elliptical and I are not friends right now.  I got on yesterday and heard a crunch and felt pain in my right knee.  I was also out of breath within about 3 minutes.  I think I need to get some weight off and build up my lung capacities first. 

#2 You can get one hell of a workout on a stationary bike!  I was dripping with sweat after 30 minutes.  Taking my text book was a good idea!  I got almost the whole chapter read.

#3 Strength training is kind of fun... plus the eye candy doesn't hurt either ;-P

I'll post more later on today about well... today...

Thought of the day:
You will never find time for anything. If you want time, you must make it.
– Charles Buxton

Thursday, January 12, 2012

January 12th

and the scale says..... 285!  That's a loss of 3 pounds since Jan. 2!!!!!

I thought I would start today with the quote/thought of the day...

Determine never to be idle. No person will have occasion to complain of the want of time who never loses any. It is wonderful how much may be done if we are always doing.
Thomas Jefferson

There is quite a bit of truth in what Jefferson is saying here.  

Over the years I have known and loved two very important work-aholics.  My father and his father.  Grandpa was working up until the day he died.  He retired from the State and went on to start his own business as a land surveyor.  Growing up I never understood his need to work after retirement.  I guess grandpa being idle was a bad thing.  I'm sure he would have driven my grandmother completely insane!

My father is a work-aholic.  Anyone who knows my dad will agree.  He leaves for work at some odd hour (6am I think) and doesn't get home until about 6pm.  Granted 20 minutes or so of that is travel time but still... dad will even go into town on Saturdays to get some work done.  And vacations?!  Ha!  I think my dad has gone on maybe 4 vacations in the last 10 years.  When he was idle after the surgery for colon cancer, I thought he might just go insane.  

I am becoming my father and grandfather.  I work.  I work at work, I work at home, I work in the shower, I work exercising, I work!  Being a teacher means always thinking about your students.  I was in the shower tonight and I was thinking about a lesson I did today for the 1st graders.  It failed!!!!!  I don't just mean I sucked at teaching it, but they sucked at getting it.  It was all around sucky!  I thought about how I can do it differently tomorrow.  Obviously I will need to reteach but they just don't get it.  How much of that is my fault?  How much of it is language?  How much of it is inexperience?  I just don't know.  

I don't idle very well.  I think it started when I worked for Blockbuster and had to work while watching movies.  To this day I still can't just sit and watch a movie, I get restless. I feel like I always have to be doing something.  Sitting down and reading a book just doesn't work for me.  Sitting down to watch tv doesn't either.  I have to be doing at least 2 things at once.  

Gee, I just don't know where I get it from?! ;-P

The point is, I work.  A new semester of classes started yesterday at ESU.  I have 3 semesters left.  5 classes.  I know that I have a lot on my plate.  (speaking of which, why do we call it a plate?  It just reminds me of food) I'm wondering how all of this will effect my new life plan.  Will I be trying to do too much?  Will I burn out and crash?  How will my relationships be affected?  How will I balance all of these things? 

These are all very important things to think about for the work-aholic.  Understanding and support from all parties involved is what is needed. 

I learned a new word today.  Would you like to hear it?


It's a beautiful word!  Why didn't I learn this word sooner?  NO!
That was easy... now if I can just do it in real life :(

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

January 11th

I admit it... I watch Dr. Phil!  Yeah, I know it's crappy daytime TV but it makes me happy.  There's nothing more to say about it.

So I'm watching an episode from last week and he has some women on there that are poking fun at their sister for her weight.  I actually thought the sisters were way too skinny and the "overweight" sister looked healthy and beautiful in comparison.  During the show Dr. Phil was giving weight loss "tips".  I believe he had 4.  Normally, I wouldn't pay a tiny bit of attention to those tips but since I've started this journey, I decided to pay a little bit more attention.  One of his tips (I looked on his website and couldn't find them) was to reward yourself.  I've got it!  For every 5 lbs I lose, I can buy something ladybug!  I think that would be perfect for me!

His other tips were those "No duh! Really?!" moments that makes me feel like a moron for even listening to him.  One was to get moving.  Well, no shit Sherlock!  Another is to eat more meals but smaller portions.  Okay, yeah, I get that one too.  Eat more often to curb your appetite and cravings.  But realistically, that one only works for people that don't have a classroom full of students all day long.  I'm sure there are others that can't do it but since I'm a teacher, well, you know, it fits.  His 4th tip was something that was "no duh!" moment but I just can't remember what it was.

Bottom line is this....

To lose weight you have to get off your @$$ and get moving.  You also have to eat healthier foods and watch your portions.  It's okay to have a piece of cake now and then but should your piece of cake be the size of the elephant man's baby's head?  I think not!  A good way to look at dessert is that it shouldn't be the size of your dinner.  A piece of cake should be half the size of your fist.

I know it sucks but I have started measuring my food to see what exactly I'm eating.  It's amazing what you think one portion looks like and what one portion really is.  Try it!

If you are looking for something sweet, my stepmom has some pretty awesome advice.  Take one (1) piece of chocolate and place it on your tongue letting it melt.  DON'T CHEW!  You will get a longer lasting sensation of that chocolatey goodness that you crave.

Today's quote is a little funny and a little true...
Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of those pieces. ~Judith Viorst

P.S.  I'm ready for my close-up Mrs. Dubill! :)

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

January 10th

I was told today that I'm a "brave blogger."  I don't want to be considered brave.  I wrote yesterday's blog because that relationship's ghosts are hindering my life in a number of ways.  The  types of posts like yesterday will not happen much more.  I think I've got it all out of me!

Today's workout kicked my butt! I did 26 minutes on the stationary bike and then I spent an hour with the trainer.  His 5:30 didn't show up so he decided to keep working with me.  Thank you 5:30 dude!  NOT!  I could have lived a thousand lives without working out for 90 minutes today. I have some muscles that I didn't know exist.  The one in particular that hurts is the butt muscle.  Sitting down hurts :( 

After today's workout, I have 1307 calories left.  The thing is, I'm eating the same way I've been eating.  Only now I'm tracking it and adding exercise.  I know that exercise is important.  I get it, I really do.  Without motivation though, I never did it.  What's nice is that I can take my text books with me and read them while I'm exercising.  That will help me with time management.

Time management is something that I have always struggled with.  Like I had said in a previous post, if it's not written down, it doesn't get done. Every moment of my work day will need to be planned out.  If I don't, homework and exercise can fall by the wayside.  I WILL NOT let that happen.  I WILL succeed!

Thought of the day:
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

Monday, January 9, 2012

January 9th (Warning: graphic and uncomfortable reading)

Weekly weigh in: -2.2 lbs  Current weight: 285.8

It felt good to see some movement on the scale J

Warning:  What you are about to read may be difficult and is a little graphic. Read at your own risk.  Seriously…

After some events over the weekend, I got to thinking about a past relationship that I really have tried to forget.  Often times in a relationship, people are not who they say they are.  I have been lied to, cheated on, and abused.  What I am going to share today is not the most pleasant thing in the world.  I admit that I have never been an angel and I don’t want to paint the picture that I am perfect.  Sometimes we blame ourselves for the stupidity of others.  I had spent years blaming myself for his actions and it was only in the last 5 years or so, I realize that I am a better person and will always be as long as I stop blaming myself and start blaming him.

He lied to me from the moment we started talking.  He lied about his age (not really in his 20’s at the time we met), he lied about his name (don’t ask), he lied about his marital status (going through a divorce after she found out about me), he cheated on me, and he hurt me (physically, emotionally, and verbally).  Of all of his lies, I have forgiven him.  The one thing I can not forgive is the abuse. 

It started off as control.  Where are you going, who are you with, what did you do, why are you talking to that person… you get the idea.  It got to a point where he was isolating me from my family and friends.  He controlled every aspect of our relationship.  One time I was sitting on the couch at his apartment and he came up, grabbed my breasts and said, “They aren’t big enough, you need a boob job!”  For someone that already hated her body, that was just another stab. 

Another time his friend came over and he looked at me and said, “Go take your clothes off, we are going to have sex!”  I just looked at him very confused and told him his friend was there and we weren’t going to, to which he replied, “We as in the 3 of us you stupid b!#@*!”  Luckily I had the brains to leave that day.  Before I could leave though, he got physical with me for the first time.  I had finger marks around my arm from him grabbing me.  I had a bruise on the back of my leg from him kicking me to knock me down.  He also ripped my clothes.

Yet another time, I was telling him that I was worried about money so he said he would find some people to prostitute me out to.  He was so caring; he would let me keep 60% of what they gave me!  eye roll  Needless to say, that never happened.  The night I told him no I got slapped.   

Towards the end of our relationship, I was sitting on the couch and found his camera.  I was going through it and discovered some pictures of another woman in various poses.  I confronted him about it.  He said, I was asleep and what did it matter.  It was done while I was in the apt. which is upsetting alone but him telling me that it wasn’t the first time really hurt. 

Many times he would want to have intercourse with me and if I told him no, we had it anyway.  It was just easier to give in then to be forced.   Many times I would have bruises on my shoulders from him holding me down or I would have bruises on my legs from him forcing my legs open.

The last day we were together was painful, in more ways than one.  That day started out like any other, harsh words, mean tones, demands. As the day went on though, it got worse.  I was cooking dinner and apparently I let the skillet get too hot so the ground beef was smoking a little.  He was yelling and screaming at me, calling me all kinds of names.  He told me that I didn’t need to eat because I was fat enough for the both of us (he was not thin by any means).  I don’t know what was different about that day but my mom and stepdad came to Topeka and got me.  That was a tough call.  The last time I was hit was that day.  The mental bruises don’t ever go away.

So you are probably wondering how this relates to my weight loss.  For a long time, he told me that I was fat, nobody would want to be with someone that looked like me and I would never find someone that treated me like he did.  Well, one thing is for sure, I haven’t found anyone that treats me the way he did.  Thank God!  Hearing that you are fat, ugly, a whore, stupid, and every other name you can think of really wears at you.  You begin to believe that about yourself.  I ate because I thought, “if nobody wants me, why should I make myself feel good?”  It’s all in your mind really.  When you hear something so many times, it becomes real. It did become real for me and I did gain a lot of weight.  Unfortunately, it took a long time for me to become comfortable in who I was.

Although I will never forgive him for all of the abuse that he did to me, I can say that I have realized it’s about how I am going to live.  I refuse to give him power over me.  I refuse to let him continue to have a part of me.  I will always have those memories and I will always have some hard feelings towards him but I can honestly say that telling these things to my readers has opened up a part of me that has been held closed for so long.  My heart no longer has any positive or negative feelings for him.  I feel nothing.  There will always be an empty void where the hurt was but over time it has gotten smaller and I only hope that I will get to where I don’t notice it.

This is another post where I felt like I needed to get it out.  Holding these kinds of things in can be damaging.

Thought of the day:
Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom.
Hannah Arendt