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Tuesday, January 3, 2012

January 4th

As today has worn on, I thought it would be appropriate to give some insight into my struggles.

I do not want to place the blame on any one person but there are some reasons I have issues.

One of my earliest dieting memories is standing on a scale in the pantry at my grandmother's. The water heater was in there as well. It was the typical pantry, nothing fancy about it. It was summer, I'm not sure how old I was, my guess is around 10 or 11. Grammy had me get on the scale and I remember the scale saying "77." I was chubby, I will be the first to admit that. She had me on the scale every morning and wrote my weight on a calendar in the pantry. We measured my food, we watched every drop that passed my lips. With very good intentions, grammy tried to help me. My family lost her May 12, 2003. I secretly held some resentments towards her for a very long time because of this. This is just one of many instances that shaped who I am today.

My experiences aren't unique, in fact they go on more often then we think. Maybe it's a family member trying to help someone lose weight. Maybe it's a well meaning friend seeing a struggle, or maybe it's a person that is just pure mean.

I shared two of those mean spirited experiences with someone that not only knew and liked me growing up but is also now a colleague.

I was in middle school, 7th grade I think. Mom had taken me to Fashion Bug and bought me a very pretty new blue dress. I loved that dress, it was a little longer than knee length, buttoned up the front and I just loved it! Picture day comes around and I got on the bus to go to school. A very mean boy says loudly and rudely, "Look out for the big blue whale!" Everyone laughed, well, not everyone. Part of me crumbled and died that day. If you know me well, I don't wear blue very often, although I love the color, I just won't wear it.

Many more years of bullying and ridicule...
Someone asked me how the blog got it's name, I will tell you!

Fast forward freshman year of high school. I have found something that makes me happy. I found... theatre! I threw myself into it. Theatre was my life. I miss it and wish I had time to work in theatre somehow. Anyway, I was sitting in the workroom, he was a senior, rude and acted like he ruled the world. He didn't know my name, I remember his! I was sitting there working on something, I know I had a hammer in my hand. Someone had asked for a hammer, "Senior boy" looked at me and said, "The fat girl in the corner has one," then he pointed at me. It is painful to relive, until today, I haven't talked about it because I just couldn't.

Life isn't easy. Life isn't kind. Life is livable. Life is what you make it.

How are you going to make your life today?

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