Many times I look at myself in the mirror and think, "Who are you?"
I don't recognize myself because I have never given myself a chance. I'm vulnerable and insecure. I've never thought I was pretty, I've never wanted to do my hair, put on makeup and wear fun clothes because I wanted to be invisible.
I'm starting to see myself differently. I'm starting to care about what I have on, I'm starting to wear fun jewelry and I'm starting to see myself as someone that deserves a chance.
Dating has always been scary for me, because I can't let go of my lack of confidence long enough to let someone in. I feel like I have to warn them about my body, question if they really like chubbier women, and just be obnoxious about it. Like I have to justify to them that I'm NOT worthy. If a guy can survive this, then I am worthy of him. It all goes back to that self-sabotage I was talking about a few months ago.
It's like I'm conditioned to believe that fat isn't happy unless there is food involved. All of these views have got to change or I will never been truly happy. I don't want to be a fat girl living in a skinny girl's body. There is nothing about that that is okay. I want to be a former fat girl happy in her body, regardless of what she looks like now.
Changing my mindset is what is hard. I'm used to being invisible and trying to make myself small. I will make myself less invisible and just be ME! No one else is more me than well... ME!
On a happier note...
I'm doing another 5k in October. I'm doing the Color Run again, this time it is in Lawrence. I'm super excited and feel like I have the confidence to do it.
Time to get training!!!