Readers, I have a confession to make...
This has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week.
Through the years I have learned to slap on a smile and pretend the world is perfect. I can play that game like an actress. Did I have you fooled? Most likely.
On Sunday, I felt gross. I was feeling fat, dumpy, and didn't even want to look in the mirror to put my hair up. I don't know where it came from, sometimes it happens like that.
Monday was exhausting. As I was looking in the mirror getting ready for work, all I could see were my fat rolls. I just kept thinking to myself about how I let myself get this way.
Tuesday was exhausting but it felt good to get my exercise in. I was able to get rid of some of the energy from the stress of the week.
Wednesday just made me sad. I spent most of the day on the verge of tears.
Today... well, today was a day spent in my head. Although I was doing testing, I don't feel like I was really paying attention. I was too busy beating myself up. This week was not a good food week for me. I've eaten things that I shouldn't have. It tasted damn good too! I was mentally kicking myself in the ass and bullying myself for not sticking with my plan. I know there will be slip ups but damn, this week was full of them.
After work, I just cried. I haven't cried like that in a long time but I'm just not feeling very positive right now. I haven't felt desired, beautiful, wanted in a long time. I don't see someone beautiful when I look in the mirror, I see a fat cow that has no self control.
I look at myself and all I see is someone that lost control, control of food, control of feelings, control of motivation, control of herself. I feel out of control right now. Not like I could fly off the handle but that I have no control over things around me. I hate feeling that way. The sense of overwhelming and disgust overflow within me.
I don't feel like I can shake this. It's been with me all week. All I want to do is lay in bed and feel sorry for myself tomorrow. Crying is the only release I have right now.
I tried medicating myself with food. Now I remember... I would eat and eat until I couldn't eat anymore. Then I would feel sick to my stomach and feel like throwing up. I would feel bloated and disgusting. Then I would be depressed for doing that to myself. That's what I did and how I feel tonight.
I see people are losing 2 pounds a week, half a pound a day, whatever, I haven't moved on the scale in weeks. I think that is where part of this comes in.
I know that I am becoming healthier, I am gaining muscle and losing fat but I also know that I don't want to be 279 pounds the rest of my life. That is why I'm changing my eating habits. Am I doing something wrong? (other than binge eating this week) Do I need to get on those stupid shakes that made me miserable? Do I need to start eating prepared meals? I just don't understand!
I've got Sarah McLachlan playing right now so that is helping the mood. I forgot how she can bring me out of a funk. I wish I could go see her this summer but she's not coming near KC. *sad face*
I will get back on track tomorrow and really work towards the end goal. Sarah is helping my mood.
Thought of the day:
*Disclaimer* Please don't tell anyone how they should feel. I don't want to hear, "you shouldn't feel that way". You don't know how I should feel about anything. You wouldn't like it if someone said that to you so please avoid a rant from me and think before you speak.