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Thursday, March 29, 2012


Readers, I have a confession to make...

This has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week.

Through the years I have learned to slap on a smile and pretend the world is perfect.  I can play that game like an actress.  Did I have you fooled?  Most likely.

On Sunday, I felt gross.  I was feeling fat, dumpy, and didn't even want to look in the mirror to put my hair up.  I don't know where it came from, sometimes it happens like that.

Monday was exhausting.  As I was looking in the mirror getting ready for work, all I could see were my fat rolls.  I just kept thinking to myself about how I let myself get this way.

Tuesday was exhausting but it felt good to get my exercise in.  I was able to get rid of some of the energy from the stress of the week.

Wednesday just made me sad.  I spent most of the day on the verge of tears.

Today... well, today was a day spent in my head.  Although I was doing testing, I don't feel like I was really paying attention.  I was too busy beating myself up.  This week was not a good food week for me.  I've eaten things that I shouldn't have.  It tasted damn good too!  I was mentally kicking myself in the ass and bullying myself for not sticking with my plan.  I know there will be slip ups but damn, this week was full of them.

After work, I just cried.  I haven't cried like that in a long time but I'm just not feeling very positive right now.  I haven't felt desired, beautiful, wanted in a long time.  I don't see someone beautiful when I look in the mirror, I see a fat cow that has no self control.

I look at myself and all I see is someone that lost control, control of food, control of feelings, control of motivation, control of herself.  I feel out of control right now.  Not like I could fly off the handle but that I have no control over things around me.  I hate feeling that way.  The sense of overwhelming and disgust overflow within me.

I don't feel like I can shake this.  It's been with me all week.  All I want to do is lay in bed and feel sorry for myself tomorrow.  Crying is the only release I have right now.

I tried medicating myself with food.  Now I remember... I would eat and eat until I couldn't eat anymore.  Then I would feel sick to my stomach and feel like throwing up.  I would feel bloated and disgusting.  Then I would be depressed for doing that to myself.  That's what I did and how I feel tonight.

I see people are losing 2 pounds a week, half a pound a day, whatever, I haven't moved on the scale in weeks.  I think that is where part of this comes in.

I know that I am becoming healthier, I am gaining muscle and losing fat but I also know that I don't want to be 279 pounds the rest of my life.  That is why I'm changing my eating habits.  Am I doing something wrong?  (other than binge eating this week)  Do I need to get on those stupid shakes that made me miserable?  Do I need to start eating prepared meals?  I just don't understand!

I've got Sarah McLachlan playing right now so that is helping the mood.  I forgot how she can bring me out of a funk.  I wish I could go see her this summer but she's not coming near KC. *sad face*

I will get back on track tomorrow and really work towards the end goal.  Sarah is helping my mood.

Until tomorrow...

Thought of the day:

*Disclaimer* Please don't tell anyone how they should feel.  I don't want to hear, "you shouldn't feel that way".  You don't know how I should feel about anything.  You wouldn't like it if someone said that to you so please avoid a rant from me and think before you speak.

1 comment:

  1. Try changing up your exercise routine, and or stacking your calories eat a few hundred more one day eat a few hundred less the next (trying to stay in your planned zone ie 1200 one day 1500 next- whatever your plan is) confuse your system if you've hit a plateau. And its ok to feel bad just know you,ll feel better again.